ashes...

"I find myself wearing a sackcloth and ashes. Emotions so close to the surface I'm sweating grief. Lacking a corpse, I'm forced to bury my expectations and need for the way things were." I shocked myself by being so upset about something we only had a few months. It was ours. And now I feel like someone gave me everything I wanted for Christmas and then decided to take it back away. In this profound absence, I feel as though there’s been a death. "With so much loss to contend with, each new encounter becomes a small funeral. One moment, I'm calm and sentimental and the next, irrational and angry. Feelings as if people are now cruel traitors in a plot to undermine and hurt one another. I do not know whether to be furious or distraught. I can not make up my mind. Instead, I lay here the next several hours, my body unable to suppress the upset." I'm exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions I have been dealing with the past three days. I hate to be alone right now but can not force myself to be around company. My body is nothing I, or my clothes, recognize. My emotions teeter tottering on the edge of many small explosions. I hate this.

ann anise.