Wednesday, February 3, 2016

You Wouldn't Be Here If There Wasn't Something Missing.

      For the first time in their many years of friendship, both stood there in silence. Only the distant parking lot lights gave view to pissed, hard headed facial expressions and to each breath exhaled in that cold night. Each propped up against their vehicles and neither giving an inch of leeway for the other. It was natural for both to stand their ground and hold their own. It's not just what they's who they are. However, no matter their natural instincts to do things the hard way or act emotionally disconnected, they always seem to cave to a certain degree more when it came to the other- until that very moment when they didn't. She was almost taken back by the way he barked back and stood firm in his words. For a second, she was amused by his relentless hardening and show of not backing down...until she slowly started drowning with each rough word. Never had she been graced with this blank, heartless look across his face. It was past time for one of them to give in before the situation escalated to something worse. Swallowing her pride, she laid it all on the line. Right there, in that parking lot, they both knew their friendship was more than the label each lived by. Without expectation and knowing that his hands are tied, her lips trembled and voice cracked- not from the cold but from the emotions in the words.

      They shared a past full of, "You should have said or done something more..." and leaving anything else left unsaid was not an option. The truth was told and his eyes seem to soften ever so slightly. His words quickly became echoes that were already acknowledged. Tears filled her eyes for the mixed feelings running rampant. Not one tear fell as she gathered her composure long enough to remember she was a friend first- nothing more, nothing less. Deep down she understood and knew what needed to be done-for him. Because when you love someone, you put their needs before your own. No matter how inconceivable those needs were; sacrifice would be inevitable.

      It seems like a noble concept, until it comes down the actual sacrifice itself. When you can't help who, justify when, or understand beyond the reason why, you just do what needs to be done for the other. Just as sacrifice can not be fully understood by anyone on the outside, if someone does not share the same load you carry, you can only pray those same people looking from the outside in will recognize and appreciate the magnitude.


Monday, December 21, 2015

Tinker Belle

     There is never a right time or place. Its rarely convenient. It challenges everything you once thought was certain. It sneaks up before you even realize what's happening. It can be best thing you never expected to be apart of... and that's when you start second guessing every view you ever had.

     Sometimes, it's really hard to appreciate an experience without having thoughts tinged with nostalgia. When you truly care, doing what's best can still weigh heavily on the mind...and heart. Walking away smiling, all while begging yourself to turn around, is a true struggle. Maybe it's not that dramatic but some simile of the sorts.

     You know the kind of movie where everything works out in the end? It starts with circumstances beyond past, mental, or physical control. When it's almost over, someone steps up to defy all the odds. They show up just in time to prove how much debilitating circumstances mean nothing compared to a lifetime spent without the chance they decided to take in that very moment.

    & Just like any good story, if that's what you're wanting to see, you have to watch the tragedy unfold to learn how the end plays out.


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

There's Always A Moment.

Despite how talented I am with my words, I could never make you understand but it's not in my nature to not try.

     I know what it feels like...because there's always a moment. A moment when it all changes. You might have been driving alone at night down a deserted road. Maybe you weren't alone at all. You could have been at a crowded event when the shift occurred. No matter where it happens, without fail, there is always a moment. My moment started July 2013.

      I know what it feels like to have the air sucked from the room. I remember the call I answered from my mom while sitting on the couch in my townhouse. I remembered the fear in her voice, the panic as she spit out a possible diagnosis, and how unprepared I was for that moment. The call changed, not just my life, but the lives of every single person I cared about.

     Hearing my nephew, at age two, had a tumor the size of a softball on his kidney changed it all. The same two year old that I fell in love with when I saw him for the first time that January day in 2011. It was unreal. Time seemed to stand still in that moment. It was like watching dominoes in slow motion. Surgery followed the initial ultrasound, scans, blood work, the official cancer diagnosis, port placement, the radiation and was a cluster of emotions. Teams of doctors and nurses in and out. Kristina taking leave from work. Wearing gloves to change his diapers. Hospital visits when Tanners immune system was compromised by the aggressive treatments...the list goes on. It turned our worlds upside down over and over. A roller coaster of hope at its best and immense pain you could do nothing to change at its worst.

     Looking back, it's hard to conceive the amount of heartache and uncertainty Tanner and my family battled. I clearly remember watching my sister in law pick Tanner up out of the hospital bed after surgery. She was putting him in his little red wagon at the hospital to wheel him and his monitors to the play room down the hall. Tanner cried out, "It hurts, mommy!" and in that moment I didn't have to blink for the tears to fall. After Tanner was able to walk around again, we all took turns walking him up and down the halls. It's an image tattooed in my mind of nothing but a diaper, socks, and a monitor with a several wires attached to Tanner as he and I walked up the hall one night.

     The strength of my sister in law, brother, and Tanner amazes me, still. It was nothing short of a fight while Tanner blazed through the months following his diagnosis. Surgeries, chemo and radiation took more than Tanners tumor, cancer, kidney, and curly brown hair away during those months. 

     There are very few remnants of the family and individuals we all were before July 2013. Those moments and each trial that followed did not make us bitter but instead made our family realize how blessed we truly are. With that being said, it does not take away the pain, tears, prayers, or the moments we spent on our knees begging God for mercy. In the acknowledgement of our blessings, with time, faith, appreciation, thankfulness, love, and strength grew.

I get emotional when Kristina posts updates on Tanner's amazing progress and regarding this anniversary. It floods my mind and heart with emotions still so close to the surface that I cried while typing this blog tonight. This month, just two years ago, made such an impact on my family. So much that I felt the need to express how much one phone call, one situation, or one person can change every moment that follows. How you handle what follows, no matter how amazing or terrible, is what matters.

Life is too short to hold back and not give it all. Tanner has been a shining light in our lives and I am so proud of him. My family is blessed. For that, I'm happy and extremely thankful.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Lets be honest, shall we?

Honestly...being a mother is such an amazing thing. I understand everyone states how much motherhood can change your life but I never understood to what extent until recently. I have been desperately trying to figure out myself  and redefine my life now that I am known as "Jack's Mom." I know most of you will judge, not knowing the amount of change mothers go through, but I have to start being honest about it all before I go insane from keeping it inside. I will start by saying I am sorry. I am sorry to every mom out there that I judged for not having her kids attached to her side 24/07/365. I am not talking to the moms who spend every weekend in a bar or club but to the moms who take time to themselves to clear their minds.

 I want to say I understand when the weight after your baby did not distribute back to the normal. Also, I want to say it's ok to all the moms who have breastfed their babies. The ones who bent over backwards to eat and drink enough to produce milk even when all you wanted to do was start a diet and fit back into your cute clothes. Its ok that your boobs will never ever look the same, unless you have surgery, because you breastfed like a champ-no matter the latching issues, clogged ducts, every two hour feedings or the span of time you continued to do it.

Falling apart is an easy thing to do no matter how strong the support system you have. Trying to find control sometimes can feel like trying to find a way out of  hell. I have been extremely sensitive, a tad needy, and feel like I am falling apart at times. After I found out my hormones were out of balance and causing the swings of emotion. I started taking HRT(hormone replacement therapy) I felt better, but gained ten pounds in the process. It was a win-lose situation. So I stopped taking the HRT and lost ten pounds the following month. I look better but feel like a mess again. Jesus, will I ever find peace or balance? I live in a world that revolves around being skinny and the pressure to be normal size again has been the most overwhelming thing that has come from having Jack.

Friends have become a saving grace. People come and go but you find out who will stick it out no matter what issues you face. At this point, a small bit of saving grace goes a long way in my world.

Always & Forever,


Sunday, September 15, 2013

I am a mom.

I am a mom...

I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend, niece, employee, lover/girlfriend, writer, cook, driver, cleaner...and the list goes on...but most of all I am a mom.

It means so much. It changes everything.

I now reside in a body I do not recognize with a jean size I never thought I would fit into. I smell like spit up, sour milk, and maple syrup. I no longer eat cereal or many dairy products. I would be lying if I said my self esteem did not take a leap off the cliff after birth. Things that used to matter no longer take up space in my mind...they have been replaced with a whole new set of fears and concerns. My boobs are so enlarged from breastfeeding most of my shirts no longer fit. My wardrobe is now very limited. My day progresses during nap time and pauses every moment in between. Some days are harder than others but each day I count my blessings and thank God. I thank Him for an amazing family, friends, a sweet and adorable son, and a great father and man for my son and I. I can no longer make plans like I used to because I can no longer see past today...maybe this is a good thing. My need for control has been mellowed very much. This is all still so new to me...and I'm doing the best I can.

Ann Anise.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

A Blessed Rant.

It's 11:26 as I sit down to write this rant. The past hour leading up to this point was full of tossing and turning in my bed with a restless mind. I'm exhausted but can not sleep. This is yet another joy of pregnancy...or the hell I currently reside in called the third trimester. Maybe I'm being dramatic but when sleep, or lack thereof, is on the line then drama plays a big part. Tossing, turning, and peeing an average of 10 times a night is a new normal now. Laying with back pain which I can catch no relief from with any new position, or waking of up from a dead sleep with severe legs cramps, that feels like someone is ripping off my calf muscle are both nightly events. All this happening in the midst of trying my hardest not to wake Zack up from his deep sleep. No wonder I'm tired all day. I know this is nothing that any other pregnant woman hasn't already gone through but I do like to share how this is going. I was laying in bed thinking about this blog so instead of laying there, holding my pee, and trying to get comfortable...I decided to just get up and write it.

Other than this rant, Jack, Zachary, and I are doing great. Jack moves so much these days and we are so excited to meet him. The countdown is in the single digits now and it makes me happy, anxious and have to catch my breath just thinking about how close we are to meeting this sweet little boy. Having a supportive and loving bunch around Zack and I makes all the difference in this life changing event for us.


Monday, May 6, 2013