masquerade.

Life is hard enough. Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. That's the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea. High ambivalence may be useful in some situations and low ambivalence in others, but this is the latter of the two. My regrets or lack thereof are exactly that- mine. Not even the best little black dress or party could change that. To me, it seems everyone was either partially or totally over it while I was still being hit with shock and trying to understand.

It's all anybody wants, right? Clean slate, a new beginning. Like that's gonna be any easier. Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. Nothing is easy about starting over. Nothing at all.

People who grieve don't like to hear about the not-so-broken-down people. It's just sort of mean. It's sort of like bringing a 6-pack to an AA meeting. The lack of interest in dealing with this is not me playing hard. I don't want to because it turned my life upside down. It is not a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want this in my life. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing is that you can’t control it. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. Remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way, that’s how you survive. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Struggling a bit, but I guess that's what happens when a moment settles, hovers, and then remains for much more than a moment. Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. Pain is like a thief in the night...quiet, persistent, unfair...diminished by time and faith and love.

Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a position to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition...on your own time and in your own way. You can’t hide from life. Eventually, you have to live it. It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there’s magic in the world. There’s no magic in the world…at least not today there isn’t.

Sometimes, words fail.  



And is it worth it? Being responsible? Because if you take your vitamins, pay your taxes, and never cut the line the universe still gives you items of value & lets it slip through your fingers like water. & then what do you have? Vitamins & nothing.

My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

ann anise. grey's anatomy. one tree hill



It was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees.

I'm not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. However, there are times when I want to be left alone and not touched. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about what is bothering me. In those moments, I just want a hug and someone who will let me cry. I like when people cry in front of me- when people aren't afraid to show what they're really feeling. I don't like when people run from their true feelings. It doesn't do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded, but I still like to believe that all people are good at heart. I can care or be done easily- please don't abuse that fact. My trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

I am afraid of being lonely, having my heart broken, not being appreciated or wanted. It scares me that people will not know how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of not understanding. I'm not afraid to be myself or interacting with people who are different than me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it publicly.

I do not like being told things just to make me happy. I would rather be told the truth and be hurt than be "protected" and happy. I overreact sometimes. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or out of line. I like people who are strong enough to face me when I'm raging, who will let me angry for a little while, and who won't think less of me for my somewhat sporadic mood swings. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I threaten to run away from the situation that is causing me pain. All I want is to be told honestly that I'm loved, and that I should stay. Sometimes I need to hear it multiple times. If you'll be a little persistent, I'll notice and give in. I like food, even if it's not good for me. I like Shakespeare, even though I don't understand him. I love to learn. I ask a lot of questions. Even if you honestly don't know, I will probably continue to ask until you give me an answer.

I like things that make you think, things that make you reexamine your beliefs. I love long showers and the feeling of my teeth after they have been brushed. Needles are no longer a phobia, but spiders and snakes remain constant. A ticking clock is my least favorite sound and can easily drive me insane. If that sound is in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else.

I'm a pack rat. I love the smell of new books, new houses, and new cars. I love Milk Duds and Mellow Yellow. I love sweatpants and having my hair in a messy bun. I love being comfortable and I love being told that I'm beautiful, even if I'm a mess. I love to work, it makes me feel productive and useful. It keeps me from being idle. I hate feeling useless. I love sleep even though I never sleep enough. My dog is better than your dog. I don't care if your dog is small, big, spotted or not.

I love when guys wear cologne, even if they only wear it sometimes. I love wearing a guy's sweatshirt. I'm not unhappy with the way I look, but I don't always think I'm pretty. If you tell me I look good and I disagree, I'll probably tell you but I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm not asking you to roll your eyes and think that I'm doing it because "It's a girl thing." I'm telling you because there are certain days and moments when I really don't feel pretty. Those are the days I change my clothes six times before deciding which shirt I want to wear. Chances are, I won't tell you I took half an hour deciding which shirt to wear but chances are, you'll know.

I support and appreciate people who can argue their point in an educated manner, who have a logical reason for things, even if I don't agree. I don't like when people can't support themselves. I don't like laziness. I'm trying to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and I admire people who know how. I like mismatched socks and sappy letters. I love to cuddle. I love being close. I love having friends and laughing during class. I love praying. I enjoy studying scriptures. Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday. I love birthdays and Christmas because they bring people together. I admire integrity and honesty. I love when people aren't "too tough" to forgive. I love best friends, old friends, and when new friends become old friends.

I believe in love. Real, true, amazing, passionate love. I believe in my self. I believe in other people. I will never give up on the people I really care about, even if they break my heart a thousand times. I believe in God and I know He will never give up on me, even if I break His heart a thousand times.

I could fill a book with my thoughts, and someday I will, I want to be published. I want to be known. I love the city but I want to go home to my family in the country and be happy. I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be a nurse, yes, and I will be. I want to be a wife, a mother, and a friend. I want to help others, starting with my family. I want to love others, starting with myself.

I love blankets, even in the summer. I love fans, even in the winter. Fresh air and natural light cure just about anything. I used to be a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose and that it was up to us to discover that purpose. Now I believe that more often than not, we won't understand, even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best. Always.

I think clichés are amusing and I feel weird using them to justify things but I do on the rare occasion. I like people and songs that make me think about things. I like people who will not willingly put up with my built walls and try to bring them down. Common sense is a strong point. I hate to be ignored. It's hard to laugh at myself sometimes. I have a hard time letting go and when I love, I love deeply. I'm sincere and genuine. I love but think it's rare when other people are sincere and genuine. I want to be adored, who doesn't? When I date a guy, after time spent, I want him to be absolutely stoked about me. I want it to be okay that I'm stoked about him. I don't want to be told that I'm loved. I want to be shown. I'll never expect more than I am willing to give, but I'll always appreciate it. If you give me the chills, it always means something. I will never admit that I care unless I know you feel the same. If you hurt me, I'm going to mentally build a wall. It's what I do. If I'm angry, I will always tell you about it. I will try to work things out and if I have my way, we will work things out before going to bed. I believe strongly in the scripture in Ephesians that advises not to let the sun go down on your anger.

I have strong opinions. I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak, especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately. I love when people open doors for me and pull out my chair for me. I want to be respected- my feelings and my thoughts. I know how to be desirable. I choose not to be because I do not want what comes when one intentionally creates a sexy persona. I like being told that I'm beautiful because that is nothing I strive to be. I want my boundaries respected.

I like going on walks and holding hands. I like going to the Tybee Island, no matter what time it is. I like looking at the stars. I love falling asleep in the arms of someone who loves me. I love waking up in his arms as well. I like being kissed on the forehead and having my back rubbed. I love massages no matter who they're from. If you give me one, I will melt. Guaranteed. I love taking pictures; I don't like when people complain that I take too many. I love laughing, I love being silly, and when people aren't afraid to be weird. I like cartoons. I love to sing, even though I'm not very good at it. Unless I feel 110% close to you, if you ask me to sing for you, I probably won't. It would have to be spontaneous. Writing is my passion- get used to it. Even the simplest language is beautiful if phrased correctly. I don't like when people use "there" instead of "their" or "your" instead of "you're." Once in a while, a mistake is okay but every time you use it is not.

Inside jokes are amazing. Remember whens are mind blowing. My room is usually messy because I usually don't have time to clean it. I will eventually clean it and the next day, it will probably be messy again. It happens. I would rather carry out the plans than create the plans. I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended but endings bring about strength and teach lessons that could never have been learned otherwise. And I can definitely appreciate that.

I'm dealing with something big right now. I don't like being told to move on. I'm doing the best I can do at this point. Most days, I feel like my best is enough. Other days, I feel like I always seem to come up short. Right now, I don't care if anyone can relate or not because im still hurt, a little insecure, and a tad bit weepy. These are emotions I am not used to and I work on getting out of this rut daily. So what if I haven't bounced back like I usually do? With time, I will learn to live with myself and what happened.

Nise.

Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees...

ashes...

"I find myself wearing a sackcloth and ashes. Emotions so close to the surface I'm sweating grief. Lacking a corpse, I'm forced to bury my expectations and need for the way things were." I shocked myself by being so upset about something we only had a few months. It was ours. And now I feel like someone gave me everything I wanted for Christmas and then decided to take it back away. In this profound absence, I feel as though there’s been a death. "With so much loss to contend with, each new encounter becomes a small funeral. One moment, I'm calm and sentimental and the next, irrational and angry. Feelings as if people are now cruel traitors in a plot to undermine and hurt one another. I do not know whether to be furious or distraught. I can not make up my mind. Instead, I lay here the next several hours, my body unable to suppress the upset." I'm exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions I have been dealing with the past three days. I hate to be alone right now but can not force myself to be around company. My body is nothing I, or my clothes, recognize. My emotions teeter tottering on the edge of many small explosions. I hate this.

ann anise.