misery loves company.

     It is March already and I have not posted a blog in two months. I have good reason for my actions...or lack thereof. I didn't want to use my blog as an extreme venting session. However, the more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that my blog has changed, into what I needed it to be for me, over the years. From that conclusion alone, I decided that I will use MY blog as whatever I need it to be. If others do not like this...then by all means stop coming to my site. Just like any other post, if you can not understand my train of thought clear enough to read through to the end then you shouldn't strain your brain. If you can, congrats to you.

This rant I would like to discuss...My Maybe Girl.

     Even though she is older than me she is in fact a girl...and far from that which I consider a woman. Maybe one day she will learn that her actions and words not only hurt others but also hurts her character. No wonder she is single and falls in and out with her "friends." Maybe one day she will be able to find someone in life who wants to put up with her. Because as a former friend, I no longer will.

     Oh My Maybe Girl, one day you will look back and realized you screwed yourself out of a great friend. Sorry I can't always hang out because I have a full time job and life. Thank you God that my real friends and family love me no matter how much time passes in between seeing each other. It's called growing up hun and having a life you love coming home to, and understanding others do too. Life isn't about going out, running the streets, or how many times in a week you get to drink and/or party.

     Another point I would like to share for My Maybe Girl is that no matter how mad you are at me or anyone else. It NEVER gives you the right to put your hands on someone. We are not adolescent and you should be grateful you got nothing in return. That will only happen once.

     I have never, yes I can honestly say NEVER, had someone not like me for no reason. 100% of the time anyone has ever disliked me I was either mean, a serious smartass, or hurt them in some way. I have NEVER had someone dislike me because they're jealous I take away going out/partying time from another. Grow up girl. I had always been nice, seen you more than I have my friends/family in past months, and never treated you or anyone you love badly. Therefor, I consider you disliking me for no reason. Jealousy, selfishness, and self-centered-ness are your own problems and are not reasons to dislike someone who has done nothing wrong.

     Readers believe me when I say, I can count on one hand, and not use all my fingers, how many times I have been able to say "I have done nothing wrong in this situation." This is one rare exception. I get in myself trouble by my actions, words, and lack of respect at times but I am always willing to apologize, admit when I am wrong, and try to make things better. HOWEVER, in this situation I did nothing wrong and I feel sorry for My Maybe Girl, honestly.

     When others say they are happy and choose not to indulge as frequent in the dead in street My Maybe Girl can't seem to turn around, that should be a great thing for anyone who cares. Just because My Maybe Girl is so far away from growing up the least bit doesn't mean other people can not grow up any. When others are not living life My Maybe Girl's way, she can not wrap her head around it long enough to understand that people are allowed to grow and be happy. People almost always find a significant other they enjoy, less time is spent with others, and love grows. That doesn't mean that people care or love their family and friends any less...it's just how things work. It's part of life.

     My Maybe Girl, the only thing you can do besides act the way you have recently, is to open your eyes and be happy for others. Be happy for others who have found happiness and have found others in life who treat them right and do not hold them back from anything. Be happy, not jealous, for others who have found something great...even if it's not the exact life they once had, or the life you still have. Just because someone doesn't live life the way you think they should, that gives no grounds for you to question happiness, make lives harder, or try to take that way. Shame on you.

     One good thing did come from my eye opening encounter with My Maybe Girl. I learned to appreciate my few true friends and close family even more. They are straight blessings from my God.

I'll continue to pray for My Maybe Girl.

Reliable Friends are Hard to Find & Faithful Friends are a Rare Treasure. Proverbs 20:6 & Proverbs 18:24

always & forever,

nise.

What I learned from 2011.

Looking back at 2011. This is my send off.

It only takes one. One selfish person to ruin everything the other thought was amazing. The married couples, with everything at stake, can still crumble from just one selfish person. On the bright side, it still takes one. One person to love you the right way. One person to give you their all. One person to put all of their trust in you. Just that one...can make all the difference.

The greatest gift any family can be blessed with is a child. God brings such joy to so many through this blessing. However, a positive pregnancy test, sonogram picture, and even hearing a heartbeat is not a concrete promise for anyone.

A person who is always there, no matter what ups and downs, is the one to keep. The one who will drop everything to come get you, no matter where you are, is the one to value. The one who will answer the phone in the middle of a deep sleep, at three in the morning, when they have to get up for work in a few short hours, to meet any need that you feel is so pertinent that it can not wait, is the one to keep.

People will always undervalue you. No matter how great you treat others, or how much effort you put out. I don't care what anyone has to say...you don't always get what you give. The sooner you learn to accept instead of expect, the better off you will be. Learn and know your value so you do not have to settle in any situation.

At some point, you will realize that you are overworked, underpaid, under stress, and under appreciated. At any other given time you will realize you are running out of patience, time, love, money, clothes that fit, cars that run right, and people who treat you right. Fortunately for you, one day you will come to find you have all you need with a few close friends, the family you have left, the job you still have in the crazy economy, and a God that never turns His back on you...even when you continue to turn your back on Him.

There is a huge/gi-normous difference in between love and like, wrong and right. Never run if you're not ready to step. Never forgive unless you're ready to forget.

Not all people are worth keeping in your life. Open your eyes. Even if that person if you...to someone else. Do that other person, or those certain people a favor and leave them alone. Especially if you can't seem to muster up the respect to stop hurting those people.

Finding out who you are or inventing/creating yourself does not happen in high school. It seems really cool and like a popular concept for people who are more lost than I am when I drive out of town, but it just really doesn't happen at a young age. It builds over the years. It comes when you grow older and wiser. It comes from experience, people you choose to surround yourself, mistakes you make, choices you make, the road you want to walk, and the God you pick to follow...if any.

Actions will always scream louder at me than any words that can ever come out of your mouth. No matter how clever or beautiful you dress your words...actions are where it's at.

I have seen days so dark that I would swear God was punishing me, or trying to teach me a lesson. The feeling of wanting to give up, run away, and stay in my room crying...is all to familiar. I have come a long way. The hard thing is the realization that I have such a ways more to go. The only difference now is that I know I can make it through anything with God, my family, and my friends by my side.

I also know what it's like to not just pray but to pray and be heard. I know how it feels to have a relationship so close to God that every move I made fell into place. I know what it's like to be on cloud nine and feel like I could be no higher than that moment. I know what it's like to feel disappointed in myself for letting my relationship with God slip from what it was. Almost like I turned my back on Him because I was neglectful and felt alone. I know I have never been alone and that He loves me no matter how many times I feel like I break His heart.

2011 was a wild ride. I'm glad to see a new year but I will never forget...

Always & Forever,

Ann Anise.

Overview from 2011

Yes, I am well aware have not posted since November. Yes, I am also aware that my blogging habits seem to always slack at the end of each year. No, I do not have an excuse but instead I offer an explanation as to why I have made my yearly slacking habit extend a little longer than normal. That explanation being I have been taking time for myself. I am very proud at how far I have come the past few months...especially looking back and seeing how far I slipped and fell.

Overview of 2011.

January

Tanner was born.

February

Uncle Elmo died

March

Donna & I spend days in LC spending time and helping with Tanner

Photo shoot

April

Spring Break in Myrtle Beach with my girls.

Masters Week

Alan's birthday

Met Zack while out for Donna's birthday

May

Memorial Day at the lake

Met Zack's parents

Giving figure skating lessons

June

Ice rink closes

Heather & I pick the guys up from their Vegas trip      

Kyle and Cara's wedding reception

Kristina's birthday at the lake

Donna & I go to the Mountains

July

Zack and I start officially start dating

Tanner's 6 month check up

Heather's birthday night

Yahtzee and Scrabble

Movies with Heather & Ken

Lake with Kristina & Donna

August

We tell our parents and friends our exciting news

School starts back at ASU

Brian Adams concert

Bowling

WJBF News Channel 6 lets Matt go. Fail.

Met Zack's Granny

Trip to NC

September

Zack & I have an upsetting loss

Coffee Club Winner

My first plane ride

Trip to Boston to watch two Red Sox games

Ate the best Italian food while in Boston

Augusta ENT moved into Sutherland Mill

October

My 22nd birthday

Found a love for William Shakespeare

Hunting 

Weekends at the lake

Homecoming game

Sonny died

November

More weekends at the lake

Roasting marshmallows

Clearing the lake lot

Almost setting the lake house on fire

Babysitting Tanner

Mom's Birthday

Thanksgiving in Lincolnton and Columbia

December

Heather asks me to be in her and Ken's wedding

Christmas party

Nickie's birthday night

Christmas in Augusta and Lincolnton

Ice rink re-opens and I take Zack skating for his first time ever

New Years Eve at Chads

                                      

The time past so fast. Experience was had. Lessons were learned. Losses seemed to dominate. God elevated me from the dark. Assuring His love is limitless, and His strength endless. 

Looking back...gains were immeasurable.

Always & Forever,

Ann Anise.

It's like I didn't see the penny. I missed the fountain by a couple yards. Miranda Lambert

"I’ll tell you something I am sure of, we’re all afraid. Some of us find ways to hide that fear and some of us don’t. Sometimes I think that we waste our words. And we waste our moments. And we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance." One Tree Hill.

nise.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Nise.

William Shakespeare.

Before this semester, I hated the thought of reading anything by Shakespeare. Because of this, when our class was given a poetry essay, I chose to pick a Shakespeare sonnet. We were given seven choices by different writers and asked to give a close reading with our interpretation. I did not go down the list to explore my options. I wanted a challenge for myself as a writer. My interpretations of Shakespeare have always been less than par for my typical. Therefor, I chose Sonnet 130, mixed in a little Sonnet 33 for comparison, and wrapped it up with some light reading of Sonnet 116 that I did not end up adding to the paper.

The paper was a challenge, as expected. However, it turned out better than I had hoped. I laughed at my professor when he told our class, "You might not like him by the end of the semester but you will learn to appreciate him." He was right.

"Love is not love/ Which alters when it alteration finds" Sonnet 116

ann anise.

masquerade.

Life is hard enough. Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. That's the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea. High ambivalence may be useful in some situations and low ambivalence in others, but this is the latter of the two. My regrets or lack thereof are exactly that- mine. Not even the best little black dress or party could change that. To me, it seems everyone was either partially or totally over it while I was still being hit with shock and trying to understand.

It's all anybody wants, right? Clean slate, a new beginning. Like that's gonna be any easier. Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. Nothing is easy about starting over. Nothing at all.

People who grieve don't like to hear about the not-so-broken-down people. It's just sort of mean. It's sort of like bringing a 6-pack to an AA meeting. The lack of interest in dealing with this is not me playing hard. I don't want to because it turned my life upside down. It is not a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want this in my life. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing is that you can’t control it. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. Remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way, that’s how you survive. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Struggling a bit, but I guess that's what happens when a moment settles, hovers, and then remains for much more than a moment. Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. Pain is like a thief in the night...quiet, persistent, unfair...diminished by time and faith and love.

Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a position to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition...on your own time and in your own way. You can’t hide from life. Eventually, you have to live it. It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there’s magic in the world. There’s no magic in the world…at least not today there isn’t.

Sometimes, words fail.  



And is it worth it? Being responsible? Because if you take your vitamins, pay your taxes, and never cut the line the universe still gives you items of value & lets it slip through your fingers like water. & then what do you have? Vitamins & nothing.

My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

ann anise. grey's anatomy. one tree hill